Tasuki's... Vacation
by Dusk to Ashes
Summary: Seishi and bandits on a boat, poor Tasuki... warning: language (bandits, y'know)


"Tasuki's... Vacation"  
  
by Neko4  
WARNINGS: Language (hey, it's got bandits in it- whaddidja expect, aho?), weirdness, looooooooong sentences, spontenaiety, maybe Tasuki torture, but it's friendly and for a good cause... ^^;; (I think he's cool, okay? It's just, I had this idea... ::shuts up::)  
A big thank you to "Down Periscope," and my as-yet unnamed muse... and, uh... LOOK! A DIVERSION!  
  
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"FUCK YOU, KOUJI!!"  
The tortured screams of a blindfolded-bound-and-stupidly-not-gagged bandit with flaming red-orange hair that poofed up into the air mysteriously even when not influenced by the semi-powerful winds, making him look like a pyromaniacal chrysanthemum, were nothing compared to the... singing? of the countless men surrounding him. He struggled against his demonically grinning captor, who restrained him with the greatest of ease and just a tiny bit of malice as he pushed him ever closer to the edge and certain doom, his long purple braid flying in the wind.  
"Is that a threat or an offer?" answered a distinctly Kansai-accented voice from somewhere out of sight. A dark, (mainly) green-clad man with a long, thin scar across his left cheek, a distinctly malicious look in his eyes, and dark blue hair almost as crazy as his captive's stepped forward a few feet above the others on a slightly higher deck, clearly in charge.  
"And you call ME 'gay-boy'...!" the aforementioned violet-tressed bishounen interjected, receiving a sweatdrop from the scarred bandit and a fresh round of curses from his prisoner.  
"Somebody wanna explain why th' hell we're doing this again?" demanded a not-so-random bystander. As most of his fellow onlookers gave him a what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you-it's-fun-ya-aho look, one of the few women present leaned over and whispered something in his ear with a furtive glance towards the now-glaring braided man. The confused bandit nodded slightly and his eyes turned into hearts as he stared up at a dark window, behind which the several slightly more sane passengers awaited, a few of them watching, a few of them trying to pretend they had more class and peering out at the mad scenario when they assumed no-one else was watching, most significantly a certain gorgeous emperor. The hapless man soon found himself flying off into the sunset, the recipent of a slightly different kind of Nuriko special. There was a breif moment of silence, as everyone assembled fell over in a priceless sweatdrop moment. Nuriko coughed, somehow managing to sound threatening, and the mayhem resumed.  
Inside the crowded captain's cabin, as the group of seishi gradually recovered, a reddish-brown haired girl walked forward to where the beautiful ruler in question sat with his head in his hands.  
"Are you alright, Hotohori-sama?" Miaka inquired, a concerned look in her eyes. Another dark-haired man came up behind her, slipping an arm around her shoulder and evoking a "Tamahome..."  
"We are a bit disturbed by our... companions' behavior, however..." Hotohori left the sentence hanging, but it was obvious the point was made as most of the people packed into the room nodded.  
"How exactly did this happen again? No da?" A pale blue-haired monk with a smiling mask which nonetheless managed to sweatdrop queried.  
"Well, it all started with those bandits-" Tamahome began.  
"I believe it began with Miaka-sama's-" A very tall man with short-cropped black hair and a white and brown-spotted cat perched on his shoulder interrupted.  
"Was there not something Nuriko mentioned-" Hotohori wondered aloud.  
"I thought Tasuki said-" Miaka threw in her two cents.  
"Never mind! No da!" Chichiri exclaimed, frustrated.  
"I can probably explain..." A small pinkish-haired boy in a green kimono offered timidly. Receiving no objections, Chiriko began a recounting of the miscellaneous events which transpired- okay, here's the story:  
"I believe Miaka-sama had been out for a walk before dinner about a week ago..."  
--------  
*I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo hungry!* Miaka thought as she dragged herself across the grass to the small house the seishi were greatfully staying in. Tamahome, who had been outside gathering a type of small flower for Mitsukake to use in one of his medicines, noticed the pitiful creature and, after pausing to sweatdrop appropriately, helped her inside to the table where Chiriko was just setting out plates. The small boy bowed and smiled at the pair before pointing out their seats. Just then, Nuriko walked out of the kitchen, a large tray full of delicious-looking steaming dishes balanced precariously on one hand. Tamahome edged away slightly, receiving a dirty look as the meal was set out before them. Within moments, the remainder of the seishi had appeared and were seated.  
"Nuriko, where th' hell didja learn ta cook?" Tasuki demanded between mouthfuls, grinning.  
"Oh, do you like it, Tasuki?" the braided culinary master responded. "Cooking is a necessary talent for a prospective bride, of course..." he finished with an grin. The fanged bandit choked on his rice, requiring several hard whacks from Tamahome, who was almost too eager to help, before he could breathe properly again.  
"Take it easy, minna. No da," Chichiri added, his chopsticks paused midway to his bowl.  
"Easy for you to say, ya-" Tasuki was cut off by Tamahome covering his mouth with his free hand, as the other continued to consume Nuriko's food at a rapid rate. None too surprisingly, he got a particularly nasty bite which only served to further the tension. Tamahome grabbed a bowl filled with a particularly spicy hot sauce and flung it at Tasuki, who dodged. Nuriko gasped, mortified, as the upturned container flowed down into an only slighly MAD Hotohori's hair. Before the lot of them got into a knock-down, drag-out brawl, Chichiri managed to pin them down with a spell. After a few seconds of trying to silence the group in the normal manner, he was forced to follow that up with handy technique with an effect quite similar to that of the mute button on your remote control.  
"Now, Tasuki, Nuriko, Hotohori-sama, Tamahome... can everyone please calm down? No da?" the exasperated seishi pleaded. After a few minutes, the group grudgingly agreed. Chiriko, who had scooted away from the table slightly in case a fight did break out, Mitsukake, who looked on the verge of taking his meal elsewhere, and Miaka, who had been ignoring everything outside her plates for quite some time, said nothing. Tentatively, Chichiri allowed his fellow travelers their voices back. "Is everyone okay? No da?" One by one, the rather embarrassed Suzaku chosen answered with various forms of assent. Dinner resumed, more or less calmly. Hotohori, having left breifly to restore his appearance (and having declined at least six offers for help from Nuriko), decided to break the silence.  
"Miaka-sama, did you enjoy your walk?"  
"Va hms ur mery prry-"  
"Eat or talk, Miaka... there's no 'and' in there..." Nuriko instructed.  
Miaka glared, but finished her mouthful before trying again. "The hills were very pretty, and there's a nice view of the lake... it's a beautiful part of the country!"  
Hotohori nodded, smiling. "Maybe you could show me after dinner?"  
Miaka started to reply, but a certain looming menace with a long purple braid made her change her mind slightly. "Actually, I have plans for tonight..."  
"Perhaps tomorrow, then," his Highness tried again. Miaka cowered under the table, leaving the oblivious emperor to blink and then turn to Nuriko, who was pointedly staring sweetly at nothing in particular. Tasuki fell over and everyone else fought to conceal their sweatdrops. Miaka, laughing nervously, glanced around desperately for something to say.  
"I have an idea," Chiriko spoke up. Seven heads simultaneously turned to the intelligent seishi. "Well, Miaka-sama mentioned the lake, and I believe Tasuki-san said something earlier about a few of his friends having recently... acquired a ship..."  
"Ooooh, a cruise?!" Nuriko exclaimed, excited.  
"Hai! It would probably help us all relax a little, ne?" Chiriko continued, happy someone else appreciated his suggestion.  
"That is a good idea, Chiriko! No da!" Chichiri continued, greatly relieved. Mitsukake nodded.  
"Sugoi! That sounds awesome, Chiriko, ne Tamahome?" Miaka smiled excitedly, her food temporarily forgotten.  
"Aa. Anything I do with you is awesome by default, but I'd love to go sailing," Tamahome replied, gazing back at her. Tasuki, however, remained completely silent. Nuriko, caring person that he was, noticed this.  
"What's wrong, Tasuki?" he inquired innocently.  
"N-nothin'." he answered, none-too-convincingly.  
"Okay, then... So, about the boat..." Nuriko continued.  
"Yeh, yeh... I'm sure Kouji and them'd be happy to take you all..." the pyro-bandit replied, rather distractedly.  
"What, you're not coming?" the crossdressing seishi inquired, feigning concern. He made a point of saying this just loudly enough for the rest of the group, deep in their own conversations, to notice.  
"W-what the hell're ya talkin' about? Of course I'm comin'!! What're ya, tryin' ta ditch me er somethin'?" Tasuki answered, attempting to save face. The other discussions resumed, and Nuriko made careful note of the matter to use later.  
-----  
"And that's how we got out here," Chiriko added, indicating the boat.  
"I remember most of that. No da. How did Tasuki wind up out there, though? No da?" Chichiri answered, perplexed.  
"Well..." Chiriko glanced nervously at Miaka, who looked more than a little guilty. She looked up long enough to give the okay, and the boy continued. "A few hours ago, just after we'd met up with, ahh... Tasuki's friends..."  
-----  
"This boat really is made out of wood, isn't it?" Miaka asked for the sixth time that day, leaning over the edge to watch a small school of fish.  
"Hai, Miaka-sama..." Mitsukake answered with a sigh. He had been sitting alone, reading, when the priestess had come over, presumably to keep him company. Quite a few others had soon followed, completely destroying any chance of peace and quiet he had had. He supposed he wasn't really annoyed; the bandits were rough, constantly drunk, and undeniably bawdy at times, but they did create interesting conversations... Just like the one going on now.  
"Well, in my world, only pirates have boats like these!"  
"Define 'pirate'." Tasuki said, a bit irritably.  
"U-um... completely dishonorable sea-faring theives with no morals at all- nothing like bandits, of course-" Miaka stammered, quite obviously made nervous by the hoardes of men surrounding her.  
"Oi, relax, Miaka. Gen-chan won't hurt you-" Nuriko encouraged the miko. Tasuki growled and cursed unintelligibly under his breath, though anyone who had been present for the past day or so might have wagered a guess that he was mad at the certain individual who had disclosed the nickname to Nuriko... the certain individual who just happened not to be within range of a good punch, damn him... Meanwhile, Miaka continued her tale.  
"Well, you see, they'd take the prisoners and tie them up, and then, if they didn't do just as the pirates said- BAM!" Miaka slammed her fist into one hand for effect. "Into the briny deep!" Though about half of those gathered weren't sure what on earth she was talking about, they caught the rest laughing and joined in. Tasuki merely rolled his eyes.  
"Ne, Gen-chan, didn't you like Miaka's story?" Nuriko inquired sweetly.   
"It was okay," the former bandit leader answered, shrugging. With a decidedly NOT SAFE gleam in his eye, Nuriko excused himself and walked off quickly in the direction of the captain's cabin, where a world of trouble, and Kouji, awaited.  
-----  
"Oh," Hotohori remarked, blinking.  
"Hai, that makes a little more sense. No da," Chichiri answered, satisfied. He supposed he should have know better than to leave them all alone while he went fishing, but... well, perhaps it wasn't too late to halt the madness. "Perhaps we ought to go outside. No da."  
"Hai, it's a little crowded in here," Tamahome agreed.  
They made their way outside, and immediately took in the situation. Tasuki, screaming at the top of his lungs with a look that could very accurately be described as panic on his face, was being held prisoner by a very happy Nuriko. They were surrounded by bandits in various states of drunkenness who were chanting something vaguely resembling a death march. Standing above the others was Kouji, the man who had been introduced as "Genrou's old friend, and the [temporary] leader of the Mt. Reikaku bandits." Everyone, it seemed, besides Tasuki, was having the time of their lives. The rest of the seishi could only stare at the proceedings.  
"Nuriko, ya bastard, if you don't let me go right now I'm gonna-" Tauki's was ranting madly.  
"Oh, be a man, Gen-chan! It's only a little water!" the seishi in question threw back.  
"Aa, Genrou... surely, you're not afraid of a little water?" Kouji added from his perch. Tasuki struggled vainly against his captor's strong hold.  
"Both of you know very well that... ah..." Tasuki trailed off suddenly, apparently having noticed the others' arrival, staring down at the deck and almost... blushing? Hotohori narrowed his eyes, confused. He turned to ask Tamahome a question, only to find that he, too, had gone to join the... lynch mob, or whatever it was. Chichiri looked at him with a look that plainly said "I haven't the vaguest idea, no da, but I'm not sure I want to know no da..." The emperor nodded as the men fell silent for Kouji to begin a speech.  
"Oi, minna! Before we go through with this-" several men groaned, but Kouji shot them a look and they promptly shut up. "As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, this man before you is accused of illegal weilding of a potentially dangerous fan-" he paused for laughter, and for Tasuki to yell a bit more ("It's a TESSEN! A FUCKIN' TESSEN!"), before continuing, "countless robberies," again, the group burst into laughter, "Oi, I'm trying to be serious here! Damattore!" Silence fell once again (aside from Tasuki's cursing). "And, above all else... being needlessly afraid of water!" Even Mitsukake struggled to hold back a laugh at this last, and Chiriko's eyes went wide, though whether it was from the accusation or from the angered bandit's answer, one couldn't be sure.  
"Kouji, you fuckin' bastard, if I live through this I'm gonna hurt you-" The sentiment was rather lost on Kouji, who merely laughed and, with a quick hand gesture, set the sentence in motion. Nuriko took one step, then another, gradually leading Tasuki to the edge of the boat, where, in place of the entry ramp, a long wooden board had been set up leading out into the water. Tasuki calmed down somewhat, apparently convincing himself that they wouldn't really kill him.  
"Don't be so sure," whispered Nuriko, grinning again.  
"Teme nanisama dai," Tasuki answered, sneering.  
"I'm all here... just like the lake out there..." As they walked out onto the plank, Kouji jumped down and walked over, apparently wanting to get a good look.  
"Any last words, Genrou?" he asked casually, as though this sort of thing happened every day.  
"Shinjimae!" was all the answer he got.  
"Nuriko, if ya please..." Smiling obediently, Nuriko shoved Tasuki off the edge of the makeshift plank. A piercing shreik tore the air as the tied-up bandit fell. The participants (or rather, those still conscious) listened for the splash... Kouji and Nuriko exchanged a grin before leaning over the edge to stare down at Tasuki, who was tangled up in a huge net, hanging several feet above the water and practically shaking with rage. "Comfortable?"  
"Kouji... Nuriko... you. Die." After answering, the poor overstressed Tasuki passed out, finally succumbing.  
"Yep. Definately a good thing we left his real fan at home," Nuriko commented, as a few of Kouji's men dragged the spiral-eyed bandit back onboard.  
"That wasn't so bad, now, was it?" Kouji inquired of the small group of seishi clustered together.  
"That was pretty bad. No da," Chichiri answered, a little astonished. Kouji frowned slightly.  
"Oh, well... thanks for the idea, Miaka-sama! I really owe ya!" Kouji grinned again before dashing off, SD, to see to Genrou's recovery. Miaka shrunk as the other seishi turned to look at her.  
"Miaka... perhaps it would be in all of our best interests if you... excercised more discretion before telling stories about your world," Hotohori suggested diplomatically.  
"Especially around bandits! No da!" Chichiri added.  
"H-hai..." she answered.  
O-WA-RI  
  
------  
Mini-Dictionary  
aa- yes  
aho- idiot  
damattore- shut up and stay shut up  
genrou- wolf-phantasm (Tasuki's nickname)  
hai- yes  
minna- everyone  
ne- don't you agree  
oi- Hey!  
shinjimae- go to hell  
sugoi- awesome  
teme nanisama dai- I'm not afraid of you! (lit. How much of you is there?)  
tessen- iron fan, in this case a fire-spitting one  
-----  
Eheheheh... I SWEAR I wasn't out to torture the Fang-Boy... at first... kidding, kidding!!   
::hides behind Hikitsu and Tomite, who fend off the flames for her::  
It's only my second Fushigi Yûgi fic, and the inspiration sort of hit me right in the middle of   
watching Comedy Central... Oh, well! Maybe it's funny? C&C, onegai!!!!  
~Neko4~ 


End file.
